Some recent clients (both men and women) have prompted this blog post, which I hope others can learn from.
Very often people come to me with a problem they have with dating, however when I scratch beneath the surface I clearly see why they are having problems and it’s usually because the foundations aren’t in place – 99% of the time it’s about a mind set that isn’t correct.
What is ever achieved without being in the right mind-set? Do you think we would be flying in airplanes if the Wright Brothers didn’t believe that flying was possible? It was their ‘I can’ and ‘it is possible’ mind set that allowed their brain to find the solution.
Some of the most common mindsets that don’t allow for successful relationships or for success in anything are; lack of confidence, perfectionism, lack of self-belief (not feeling good/worthy enough), and very often there’s a few of these negative mind sets at work, because one of them facilitates the other.
For example, as a perfectionist striving for perfection you are hard on yourself and will never feel you are good enough, so you lack self-belief, which knocks your confidence. You are trapped in a negative cycle.
Also perfectionism means that you are overly critical of others, therefore others don’t reach your high standards. Even though you put ridiculously unachievable high expectations on yourself, often you feel frustration because you feel you are trying so hard and others aren’t.
Listen up! ….
Perfectionism is a block to successful relationships and happiness!
How do you know if you are a perfectionist?
1) Do you procrastinate?
2) Do you obsessively think you could always be better as a person and in your job?
3) Do you ever think ‘I’ll be happy/successful ‘when’… I change my job, I’m in a relationship etc… but these things never seem to happen?
4) Do you feel stressed about what you haven’t yet achieved?
5) Do you feel you are judgmental of others?
6) Do others consider you difficult to please?
7) Do you frequently ‘beat yourself up’?
8) Do you get depressed when you feel that you have failed?
9) Do you worry about failing?
10) Do you get defensive over criticism even if it is constructive?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions then you are most likely a perfectionist.
Perfectionism isn’t something you can get cured from it’s about recognizing when it is having an unhealthy impact on your life and learning to manage it. If you’re not where you want to be then the chances are it is having an unhealthy impact.
If you are single and want to be in a relationship you need to learn to manage your perfectionism so you can start to grow and nurture a positive mind-set. For every ‘yes’ you answered aboveit’s a negative, unattractive trait to a potential partner. Perfectionists are often so focused on the future they don’t enjoy the present. Including missing out connecting with people and with the opposite sex, because they are blinkered and internally and future focused.
If this applies to you, I have got a very important sentence I want you to read and think about….
People come to me with what they ‘want’ (relationship/dating/family) and get so focused on it that they forget that the key to getting what you want is down to what you offer.
Whilst you are in an extreme perfectionist mindset you are not going to be attractive to others and will repel people. You are not going to see the good in others, so it’s a lose; lose situation. When you start to live in the present and be happy, people will be drawn to you.
Some of my favourite quotes about accepting failure:
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. ~ Albert Einstein
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ~ Thomas Edison
5 Things you can do today to help deal with Perfectionism:
1) Get into the habit of daily thinking of 3 things that you are thankful for. Health, home, food are basics that many people take for granted. Have a thought for those less fortunate – how about those affected by the recent floods that have lost their homes and possessions, those in third world countries starving and dying. How does this help you? It grounds you, and feeling thankful and grateful for what you have rather than pining and feeling disappointment for what you don’t have and what you want is a much healthier and positive mind set.
2) Start looking at things you have achieved rather than what you haven’t. Set smaller realistic goals for yourself. Don’t set yourself up to fail, set yourself up to achieve. How does this help you? It allows you to feel a sense of achievement.
3) Fight procrastination by just ‘doing’ even if something is not perfect. Think of one thing you’ve been procrastinating over and just get on with it. Doing something is better than doing nothing. How does this help you? It helps you begin taking action and accepting less than perfect progress.
4) The people you are most critical of find 3 things to like/admire about them and compliment them. How does this help? It makes you feel more positive and will make others feel good (one of the key things needed for social skills – drawing people in to you, which in turn equals successful dating and relationships)
5) Acknowledge your perfectionism. When you feel guilt, frustration, annoyance, anger or dissatisfaction take a moment to note if these feelings are justified or if it’s your perfectionism in play. There is so much information on the web. How does this help you? The first step to positive change is recognizing your behaviour and how it is having a negative impact on your life, because then you can change things around in a positive way.
How do I know all this? Because I am one! I have learnt to manage my perfectionism over the years and it’s still hard work today, but it definitely gets easier. I even cried tears of frustration on my 3rd Aikido lesson because I couldn’t remember the Kion Dosa (a complex series of moves designed to encompass all the moves needed for all levels of Aikido). Ridiculous eh? So I was an extreme perfectionist!